Baby Quilts and planning your celebration of life……

Good morning, dad!

I find myself writing to you in my darkest moments.  The moments that make no sense.  The moments I can’t stop crying. And really, I feel broken.  I’m waiting for the void to be filled up with all the wisdom you passed along, but right now, it’s just stocked full of tears. I am officially sad. There’s no other way to put it. I’m sure writing your celebration of life ceremony isn’t helping.  And you know what the hardest part is?  I keep wanting to call and ask you what I should say.  It’s so difficult to put you into words, because I’m not sure words exist to describe the amount of joy and goodness you added to the world.  So I’m stuck.  I keep meditating on it and I keep finding pennies on the ground…..so I know you’re with me through this.

SO, I’m going to reach out on this blog and ask folks for their help in writing your ceremony.  If anyone has suggested poems, for instance.  Or even a reading from the scripture (as long is it’s not too Jesusee……you asked that this shindig not be religious)….I’d love suggestions and thoughts from the folks reading this blog.  Please feel free to message me or even comment.  Your comments might help someone else at some point, too.  And that takes me to my next thought.

As I was cutting the fabric to make two baby quilts late last week, I got the call from the fertility clinic letting me know we’re not pregnant anymore.  So there’s that.  The quilts are gifts, so I wasn’t jumping the gun or anything.  I’ve learned my lesson on that front.  But it got me thinking about a lot of stuff……like WTF is going on?!?!?!?!  Did I do something bad when I was young and it’s coming back to me now?  Did I do something bad in a past life?????  Why is 2015 proving to be such a shit show? And I realized the reason for all of this.  And I believe it’s the reason for all bad things happening.  I am becoming a better person.  I am more empathetic.  I can help people more than I could before. I’m a better listener.  I don’t always know what to say, but all of these things that are happening make me so much more present.  I swear I can hear every heartbeat right now. It’s nearly unbearable, but it’s also making me stronger and more connected to the universe in a way I didn’t even think was possible.  And I’m looking forward to the day when things quiet down a bit.  But now is the time to embrace all of this with openness and pureness.  And once again, you continue to teach me, dad.  And what a beautiful gift that is.  What a beautiful gift life is.

In a nut shell, here’s the scoop:

  1. I’m writing your celebration of life ceremony and would love to hear from the folks reading this blog to help me with poems, scripture, stories about you, etc…
  2. We had another failure on the fertility front and it sucks.
  3. I’m making baby quilts for my awesome friends that are having babies.
  4. You continue to teach me so many things, dad,  and I’m thankful.
  5. AND, danny and I got a new mattress and I love it and I still don’t sleep, but I still love it (that’s just a side note….I didn’t mention that in the body of this message, but it’s a nice thing to celebrate!)

It’s been about six weeks since you passed. You already know that, of course.  I keep trying to not keep track of that part of things.  It doesn’t really matter how long you’ve been gone, I guess.  The fact is, you’re gone and I miss you and I will always miss you and I’m so sorry you got sick, dad.

I love you.

c

p.s. Thank you for always letting me scream madonna songs at the top of my lungs.  And not just me, actually.  Thank you for letting me and all my best friends scream songs at the top of our lungs.  I wouldn’t be a singer had you not allowed that.  And my friends wouldn’t be patient mothers.  So thanks.

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Baby Quilts and planning your celebration of life……

  1. Shit, I don’t know what to say. Except that every time I read one of these my chest hurts and I cry. And I call my Dad and tell him I’m excited he is quitting smoking. And also that we keep having fertility failures too, and it sucks and I feel exactly the same way you do. Trying to be more present, less worried, a better listener. I’m trying that too.

    Like

    1. Laura!
      Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your comment. I just want you to know how much I appreciate your words and am with you through all your fertility stuff. ugh. I’m sorry you’re going through that, too. AND, I hope your dad is doing well! Much love to you. xoxoxoxoxo.

      Like

  2. Carrie, I know it’s a small thing but it has big impacts on many aspects of our lives…you need to figure out how to sleep…many things will improve when that does…I speak from experience. You are in my thoughts and I send you the sweetest of spirits to help you drift off tonight for a long nights restful sleep.

    Like

    1. Linda,
      I just wanted to let you know how much I took your comment about sleep to heart. I have been working on it. A lot. And I’ve been sleeping a bit better. Your message was a good reminder. I hope all is well with you. xoxoxoxo

      Like

  3. Hi, Carrie. We have met at two of your house concerts – in Canyon Lake, TX and I think Croton o Hudson, NY. I am so sorry for your loss. Both your Dad and your baby. I’m copying a poem here by Kahlil Gibran. I lost a baby years ago and I clung to this poem to try to heal and move on especially for my son who was two years old at the time.

    On Children by Kahlil Gibran

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

    You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
    and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
    Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
    so He loves also the bow that is stable..

    I have also lost my father and I think that you can look at the poem both ways. Those of us who are moving forward always carry our history with us. And, as a parent, I know that I don’t want my children to look backwards and be sad and unhappy when I’m gone. All I’ve ever wanted is for them to be happy. I’m sure that’s what your Dad wanted for you. Maybe you can find some meaning in this.
    I hope I’m not intruding during your time of mourning. You have my very deepest sympathy and best wished for happier days to come.

    Sincerely,
    Pat Hickey

    Like

    1. Hi Pat,

      I’m sorry for my slow response. Just wanted to thank you so much for sharing this poem. I LOVE it. I printed it and put it on the wall in my craft room. It’s incredible beautiful. xoxo

      Like

  4. Oh Carey, My heart really goes out to you. My Mom passed 15 or 16 years ago. It truly was a grief I was afraid I might not recover from.

    As you mentioned, I became a better listener, more compassionate, deeper, clearer, more grateful……..etc.

    I am better at being present.

    I found a strength I didn’t know was three. It does take time, YOUR time. I am left with her lessons and laughter and wisdom, and the occasional feeling that I miss/want my Mom

    I knew her so well that even today I know what she would say in most situations. I can hear her voice and her encouragement.

    There is a great line in the TV movie Tuesdays with Morrie. (Jack Lemon plays Morrie, it was on a few months after she passed)

    When Morrie is dying, his young friend says, “Morrie, I love you.”

    And Morrie says, “And you know what? You always will.”
    That really carried me through.

    It really took a year for me get through the hard grief, almost to the day. There is a wonderful book I recommend to folks, The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion.

    I was lucky enough to be in the front row when you played eTown with Sam. And a friend just saw you at Okeima.

    You are wonderful and amazing. I guess we can definitely give your Dad some credit there.

    Like

    1. Karen,

      I just want to thank you for your thoughtful words. You’re incredibly sweet. I’m so sorry you lost your mama, Karen. Even if it was 15 years ago, I’d imagine you think of her and miss her every day. xoxo

      Like

  5. Dearest Carrie, I think your letters provide the most beautiful, heartfelt, and poignant tributes to your dad! Your words express so well who your father was and what he will always mean to you. What could be better for a celebration of life! I suggest you write him a letter for the service. And maybe ask the attendees to do the same. I think this would provide the loving recognition you’re wanting for this service. And I’m hoping that communicating through letters to your dad will continue to be healing for you and for all of us who grieve so deeply for this dear man. May his memory always be a blessing! With all my love, Mama Donna S

    Like

  6. Carrie: I’m sorry for your losses. Don’t know why life seems to royally suck all at one time, but it often seems to cluster this way. I sympathize that now is such a tough time for you.Such is the pain of being human. Here are a few thoughts I came across:

    “As you comprehend this profound loss, let yourself cry knowing each tear is a note of love rising to the heavens”
    Author Unknown

    “You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t ‘get better,’ it just gets different. Everyday grief puts on a new face.”
    Wendy Feireisen

    “Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind.”
    William Wordsworth

    “Those we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity.”
    Terri Guillemets

    “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
    Kahlil Gibran

    Like

  7. hi Carrie, I just read your blog about your dad passing and the loss of your baby. Both brought back a bunch of emotions. My mom passed on May 4, really healthy up until the last 6 weeks or so, and really was expected to recover. But I was blessed with her love for 88 years. And 25 years ago Jenny and I went through infertility. For us, it was an emotional rollercoaster. And as may be your case, everyone around you is having babies at the drop of a hat. What we came away from our experiences in life is that there are things you can control, but a lot of life is not controlable. The challenge and grace is recognizing which is which. I think that in the end, it is what we give back to the universe that matters. One final thought, we have seen you 3, maybe 4 times, with and without Danny. Know that your energy, smile, and passion for your music brings a lot of joy to those who see you perform and while you are hurting now, know that you have lessen others pain by sharing your talents through music. Tom Walter

    Like

    1. Hi Tom,
      Thank you so much for your beautiful response to my blog. I’m so sorry to hear about your mama’s passing. I think there’s no way to really prepare for the grief even when they’re 88 years old. BUT, getting 88 good years is so wonderful, right?!?!?!
      On the fertility front, YES! Everyone is having babies around us! I’m so excited for them, but I’m often thinking'”What’s wrong with me?!?!?!?!” I agree with you though. There are so many things out of our control. Meditating has been incredibly helpful on that front. It’s quieted my busy and unforgiving mind. Unforgiving of myself, that is.
      I hope all is well with you. Thank you for your kind words about my music, too. I hope to see you soon. xoxo

      Like

  8. I love this passage.

    “Every great loss demands that we choose life again. We need to grieve in order to do this. The pain we have not grieved over will always stand between us and life. When we don’t grieve, a part of us becomes caught in the past like Lot’s wife who, because she looked back, was turned into a pillar of salt. Grieving is not about forgetting. Grieving allows us to heal, to remember with love rather than pain. It is a sorting process. One by one you let go of the things that are gone and you mourn for them. One by one you take hold of the things that have become a part of who you are and build again.” ~ Rachel Naomi Reme

    https://knowwherehome.wordpress.com/2014/09/08/grief-is-about-rebuilding/

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s