National Chicken Wing Day

Good Morning, Dad!

I had all intentions of writing yesterday, but it was national chicken wing day, and I was so busy being excited about my wing dinner, I forgot to write.  You know how much I love wings, so I’m sure you understand.

All is settling down here, dad.  I’m feeling a lot better.  I look at photos of you each night before bed, and I put a tiny bit of your ashes in a locket that I wear all the time.  It rests on my heart chakra….right where you belong.

I was sad for you to miss national chicken wing day, but I’m not sad for you to be missing most other news.  Jeeeesh.  The killing of Cecil the Lion is all I can bare.  Then add Donald Trump to it, and, well, the world feels terrible. I feel like I can write the news each day before things even happen.  Some awful shooting, some horrible presidential candidates (I won’t name them here, but really, people can fill in their own blanks.  Being that you were apolitical, I won’t get all preachy when I’m writing to you.  You heard plenty of my opinions when you were alive, and since I’m a hippy, free spirited folk singer, people probably already know which way I lean).  Any who…..the news.  You always hated the news. I know there’s probably lots of good news, too.  I wish it was talked about more.  I just don’t care what mega stars are getting divorced.  Seriously.  Who gives a shit? Tell me who’s doing good in the world. Help me do good in the world.  And on that note…..

On the Music front…..one of my main struggles since you passed is understanding sense of purpose in my musical life.  I mean seriously.  I spend most of my time on the road, away from home, away from the people I love, away from miss Lucy the dog, away from having the garden I can’t have because I’m away, away from the chickens I also can’t have because I’m away, alway from being able to help a neighbor, away from being able to volunteer…….I can go on forever.  What I do on the road seems so trivial compared to an existence I can have at home, BUHHHHT  just when I was about to throw in the towel and figure out how to be home all the time, I received the most beautiful e-mail from a woman named Paula.  I don’t know her, but she was at a show of mine this past year, and the letter she sent reminded me that music can be so healing. I don’t normally share stuff like this, because bragging isn’t my way in the world, and this feels a little like that, but for the purpose of explaining this to you, I’ll just share one little quote from her extremely thoughtful message.  She said, “So, you and your art have traveled with me from despair to tranquil happiness. Your voice – shit, your magnificent pipes, have been my soundtrack to healing. ” And just like that, I’m ready to play more shows (that barely anyone attends), because you just never know, dad.  You really never know who might be there and who might need to hear that show in that specific moment in time. Life is so awesome like that!  And although my plan is to play  less and be home more, I’m actually excited to write again and record a new album, which you would have worn out on your boom box.  You had a boom box! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I do want to thank Paula for her message.  I hope I can explain to her how much the timing of it matters in my life.  Thank you for your honesty, Paula.  And dad, you should watch over her. She’s good peeps. Oh, and I’m singing with Danny at Strange Brew in Austin this Sunday.  You never went there, but you would have liked it a lot.

On the fertility front, Danny and I are rockin’ it.  Progesterone shots in the ass that are mostly fine, but I sometimes have moments that make little to no sense at all.  Example…….I was in a very adorable little shop in Charlottesville the other day and I just looked at Danny and said, “Everything in here is so beautiful.” And I started crying.  Right in front of the pottery and the post cards.  Crying. Tears running down my face.  Danny is so cute in those moments. He makes the perfect amount of fun of me and gives me a hug and shuffles me out the door.  Dad, he’s taking real good care of me (although he’s down to the zero nicotine on his e-cig, and between that and my hormones, we’re two crazy people). BUT YAHOO FOR DANNY!  You were never addicted to anything, but let me tell you, it is nearly impossible to quit.  You’d be so proud of him.

On the crafting/home DIY front, I finished painting the little rental unit and  decoupaged the light switch covers.  I also took some photos.  See:

light switch covers
decoupaged light switch covers
Re-finished white cabinet
Re-finished white cabinet

I think that’s all for today.  Life is good.  I’m easing back into this universe at my own pace and I still have moments of such sadness, but they feel different now.  I don’t feel as panicked. And I’m sleeping a little better.  And I saw you in my dreams for the first time last night and it was awesome. Thanks for showing up.  You were always good at that.

I love you and miss you, dad.  And I’m always crying by the end of writing to you.  I hope no one ate your angel wings on National wing day…….

xo.

c.

p.s. Here’s a little photo series of you and Austin the day before you died.  This is how amazing you were (and SO FUNNY!):

austin dad 1 austin dad 2 austin dad 3

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6 thoughts on “National Chicken Wing Day

  1. When you follow your passion, you might never know how much you impact and bless the lives your touch–those of us impacted are not always so good at reporting that (thanks to Paula for taking time to do that!). On another note–it’s been 30+ years since I went through all the fertility crap and monthly emotional roller coaster…. hang in there. It’s so worth it. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for reading the blog and taking the time to send a message….so sweet of you. And thanks for the words of encouragement on the fertility front! Roller coaster and all, I’m totally on board!

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  2. Carrie,
    Thank you so much for this wonderful journal of your healing journey. A counselor I went to after Brandon died suggested I write a letter to me from Brandon…I did and ran across it a few weeks ago. I don’t know how much it helped me when I wrote it, but it was helpful when I read it a few weeks ago. Time is a funny thing…I wish it came in a bandaid box I could open and give you some for your pain, as it is really the one thing that will lesson the pain you feel right now…time. One day, instead of waking up with a crushing pain that threatens to overwhelm, you will notice a comforting softness around you as his spirit and your memories together become a soft blanket around your shoulders. Please don’t stop singing, like Paula, you and Danny have become a big part of mine and Bob’s healing journey…we love you both and I wish for you a bandaid of time as you walk through this pain.

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    1. Linda….
      I love y’all so much. Thank you for your thoughtful message. I’ve been thinking so much about you, as I’ve not ever lost someone so close to me. This is my first time navigating through all of it, and I can’t imagine what it was like for you. You really were the first people to pop into my head when my papa died. AND, you’re such an inspiration to me. I hope I can honor my dad as you have honored Brandon. Thank you for your love and support. xo

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  3. Carrie,
    I remember the first day I met Rich, I was 8 months pregnant with my first child 33 years ago and he was so kind to me. Years later, he told me he remembered that first day we met and even described the outfit I was wearing at the time. I worked for him for many years and he was more of a friend than a boss, he could always sense if you were having a bad day and stopped what he was doing and sat down to talk to you. He was there for me when I went through difficult personal times and always had kind words for me and he always believed in me. I Will miss those phone calls from him with all his positive words. RIch loved you, Rick and his beautiful grandkids with all of his heart, his life was complete spending time with all of you. He will be missed by everyone who knew him.

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